Well, not so much of a turmoil ... except where it is, and we'll get to that in a moment.
The situation: it's now 4:23am, Sunday morning, the 25th day of April, in this year of our Lord, 2004. I shall be leaving Singapore on Monday, at 8:45pm; this means I have another 24 + 12 + 4 + 0.5 = 40 and a half hours left in this country. Forty hours to do my packing, my last-minute phone calling, my finish-stuff-in-lab-ing, and just about everything else. That's not that much time (particularly when you remember that I have to prepare my appeal for OSA, transport my stuff around, check in, and perhaps remember to sleep as well. As you can tell from the time on this blog, that part isn't going very well, either). I could
look on the bright side (which is fast becoming one of my favourite songs, you can look it up on my
depression page if you want) and say that in another forty-FOUR hours, I shall be Bangalore, and in another forty-FIVE (give or take, I suppose) I shall be in my own home, with my own family, back "to where I once belong".
Going back home always - every single holiday - fills me with equal parts dread and longing. Dread, that something will screw up (last-minute!) and I won't be able to go back, after all. Dread, that perhaps the holidays will (somehow!) turn out really rotten. And finally, dread, that maybe-just-maybe, everything that I have hear (my interests-friends-dreams-wishes-hopes) will be irrevocably lost by the time I get back (I am paranoid; it's in my genes. I believe - sort of, somewhere deep inside - that if I turn my back on anything, even for a moment, it's going to run away and leave me alone in the cold. I don't know. I could blame a thousand and one things, but I don't want to. I could sit down and try to figure out what to do about it, but ... well ... I'd rather not. I don't have the strength. I don't know - it's an infinite loop; I think I need the support and love of a girlfriend to help me to figure out how to deal with people, but I'm not going to be able to get a girlfriend unless I figure out how to deal with people first. So? I don't know. Life is just so, so confusing, particularly on day's like today. But I really digress, so, with no further ado, back to our regularly scheduled programme ...) But there is longing, longing for home, that ethereal place where (truely!) nothing is real, and where there's nothing to get hung about - where a mother's sigh and a father's love can be relied on to solve any problem, any problem at all; where a sister and cat in equal part jump 'round and 'round in swirls and whirls that keep everything amix, even at its most loneliest and boringest.
Believe it or not, my single greatest fear is probably that things (mother-father-sister-friends) are going to look different to me back home; or that once I return, other things (friends-dreams-hopes-wishes) are going to look completely different. Trust me, I've never figured it out, and right now, I just don't have the strength.
But, to return: so that's my "traditional" mix of emotions. But, last Thursday, someone said something to me which ... was contradictory to what I believed. The problem is, I think the person is wrong, but I knew back then (and I know doubly-well now) that there just isn't enough time to either convince the person she's wrong, or to let her convince me she's right. And ... and ... and ... this, this thing, it's happened before, but it generally reset itself in about a week or so ... and guess who's leaving in forty hours? I would be seriously considering postponing returning home (I suspect I still can), but ... i want to leave.
See, that's the point. One of the best ways of responding to this person's statements is to go back to Bangalore and ... well ... "Grow Up". Try to give up my childish ways (if I can!) and figure out what it means to live life as an adult. That sort of thing. Most of all, figure out what exactly I want in a relationship, and then to very simply figure out if it's coming or not. See, makes perfect sense, no? And maybe, this holiday, isn't it. Maybe I won't have grown up enough when I return. Maybe she'd have found somebody else. But yes, oh GOD yes, she does mean enough to me that I'm going to try.
As I explained to her a long, long time ago, the whole point here is that I probably need to grow up, atleast a bit, and maybe I can use her to "inspire me" or whatever; that way, either she likes the "mature me" (if such a thing can exist) and ... well ... something happens, or she doesn't, in which case, being mature, I can handle the rejection better. That sort of thing.
But the problem is exactly in the first statement (of the first
real paragraph) of this blog: I only have forty hours. What to do, what to do? If I had All The Time In The World, I'd be avoiding her, giving myself the time to re-figure some stuff out, but of course, this time, I can't. So how?
Right now, I'm just waiting. It's agonizing like hell, but there's nothing I can do. I'm probably going to say something stupid to her tomorrow, but hopefully she won't mind, 'cos I'm leaving in a day, etc. After I get back home, I'll have enough time to sit around and Think Things Through, and ... well ... grow up? Let's see. Might be a lot to ask for, but I should think it's about time. I need more discipline in my life, that's for sure. But .. what are you supposed to do when someone means so much to you?
This post was posted by Unknown at 4:22 am
