Gaurav's Blog

This can usually be found on Twitter.

Guess what? The litigious bastards google-bomb is about to hit Google again. Not sure if this is a good thing, come to think of it. Still, if anybody deserves it, it's those litigious bastards. So say it loud and clear: LITIGIOUS BASTARDS!

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Right, well - as you'd expect, my posts from home are going to be a lot fewer than the ones from college =D. No, it's not "just because" of the bad internet connection - to put it simply, less happens here (though of course I'll keep you updated if by some miracle something interesting *does* happen). Maybe this is all wrong - it's just a matter of how you look at it? Maybe if I try, B'lore can be as interesting as Singapore ... ? Well, the other reason is - I confess - because there is less stuff worrying me. Home has a reassuring air of "whatever" about it ... you just stop caring about the Big Picture in life, and live for and in the present. Which is good - it's relaxing, it's un-stressful, it feels good - but there's also something ... not right about it. There's just this feeling of taking it too easy? Of not enjoying myself as thoroughly as I should (yeah, I have no idea what that's supposed to mean, either). And ... there's something else. Something not quite homely about home, this time. I don't know. It's like I'm very, very slightly out of reality, out of touch with life, or something. A 56kb net connection :) as opposed to an on-campus super-fast one. Yeah, that must be it ;). No, but seriously, I don't know. I'm very jumpy with stuff to do with my immediate family- well, extended too, I guess. I'm not sure what it is, and maybe someday when I'm real safe 'n' secure 'n' stuff, I'll sit down and think about it. But ... right here, right now ... i mean, it's family, right? It's supposed to be that one final last permament link to the Real World, to tomorrow ... if all else fails ... and I'm not loosing that, even if it means ignoring and not thinking about ... what? I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. On the up side, Personal Development is going well. Have a very cool idea for a program (yes, yet another this-is-the-one-which-will-make-me-megabucks! scheme, I know), which I'm working on mostly these days (just downloaded the MinGW compiler, and it looks quite sexy!). I'm going swimming every night. I'm making myself breakfast every morning (cheese omlette, sort of waiting until I can do it unsupervised, perfect, before moving on to more interesting culinary delights). I'm watching plenty of television, and particularly many nice movies (am I? Can't remember. But it's 4am IST now, so I guess I don't have to be capable of thought). Bought and borrowed some nice books lately, to do with Bioinfo and stuff, although my primary reading focus is the Complete Yes Minister, which I got for my sis (dun think I can bring a book that big back from India! Hmmm ... let's see let's see). Today is the 30th of April, which means I have about a month and a 3/4th in B'lore before going back to Singapore. The second half of my hols are going to be the more interesting half, for sure - trip to Kodaikanal with family, trip to Bombay probably alone ... let's see let's see. Might get to do that Matheran trip I've been dreaming of for so long. Yoko is now running around the room going hyper. Am going to have to convince him to go down before he'll let me sleep. Somehow, I don't think it'll be easy :( ... btw, Gmail might be nice, and cool interface and everything, but it's a bit unwieldy on my 56kb connection (56kb noted == 16kb in reality). Still, IMAP access should loose that pretty well. Haven't been thinking about *that* thing either, and not sure if that's a good thing or not. I suppose bad, cos it's been on my mind but I haven't sat down and properly *thought* about it. I need to get out and find a place where I can really just ... think. Just be safe and think. I've never been very good at doing that, but then again, I haven't ever gone swimming every day before, have I? Regular exercise is fun. And it's hope: there is always possibility of improvement. Always. On to tomorrow, then. Wish my luck with my psychotic cat (he's seriously psychotic, okay? He runs round and round the room, and heaven alone knows what he's running from or running to. Was staring at him going nuts today and thinking of some interesting ethological experiments I might have done in another life. Another life? But tomorrow, tomorrow is close enough to another life to make all possibilities possible :). And on that happy note, I close. Good night.

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Well, not so much of a turmoil ... except where it is, and we'll get to that in a moment. The situation: it's now 4:23am, Sunday morning, the 25th day of April, in this year of our Lord, 2004. I shall be leaving Singapore on Monday, at 8:45pm; this means I have another 24 + 12 + 4 + 0.5 = 40 and a half hours left in this country. Forty hours to do my packing, my last-minute phone calling, my finish-stuff-in-lab-ing, and just about everything else. That's not that much time (particularly when you remember that I have to prepare my appeal for OSA, transport my stuff around, check in, and perhaps remember to sleep as well. As you can tell from the time on this blog, that part isn't going very well, either). I could look on the bright side (which is fast becoming one of my favourite songs, you can look it up on my depression page if you want) and say that in another forty-FOUR hours, I shall be Bangalore, and in another forty-FIVE (give or take, I suppose) I shall be in my own home, with my own family, back "to where I once belong". Going back home always - every single holiday - fills me with equal parts dread and longing. Dread, that something will screw up (last-minute!) and I won't be able to go back, after all. Dread, that perhaps the holidays will (somehow!) turn out really rotten. And finally, dread, that maybe-just-maybe, everything that I have hear (my interests-friends-dreams-wishes-hopes) will be irrevocably lost by the time I get back (I am paranoid; it's in my genes. I believe - sort of, somewhere deep inside - that if I turn my back on anything, even for a moment, it's going to run away and leave me alone in the cold. I don't know. I could blame a thousand and one things, but I don't want to. I could sit down and try to figure out what to do about it, but ... well ... I'd rather not. I don't have the strength. I don't know - it's an infinite loop; I think I need the support and love of a girlfriend to help me to figure out how to deal with people, but I'm not going to be able to get a girlfriend unless I figure out how to deal with people first. So? I don't know. Life is just so, so confusing, particularly on day's like today. But I really digress, so, with no further ado, back to our regularly scheduled programme ...) But there is longing, longing for home, that ethereal place where (truely!) nothing is real, and where there's nothing to get hung about - where a mother's sigh and a father's love can be relied on to solve any problem, any problem at all; where a sister and cat in equal part jump 'round and 'round in swirls and whirls that keep everything amix, even at its most loneliest and boringest. Believe it or not, my single greatest fear is probably that things (mother-father-sister-friends) are going to look different to me back home; or that once I return, other things (friends-dreams-hopes-wishes) are going to look completely different. Trust me, I've never figured it out, and right now, I just don't have the strength. But, to return: so that's my "traditional" mix of emotions. But, last Thursday, someone said something to me which ... was contradictory to what I believed. The problem is, I think the person is wrong, but I knew back then (and I know doubly-well now) that there just isn't enough time to either convince the person she's wrong, or to let her convince me she's right. And ... and ... and ... this, this thing, it's happened before, but it generally reset itself in about a week or so ... and guess who's leaving in forty hours? I would be seriously considering postponing returning home (I suspect I still can), but ... i want to leave. See, that's the point. One of the best ways of responding to this person's statements is to go back to Bangalore and ... well ... "Grow Up". Try to give up my childish ways (if I can!) and figure out what it means to live life as an adult. That sort of thing. Most of all, figure out what exactly I want in a relationship, and then to very simply figure out if it's coming or not. See, makes perfect sense, no? And maybe, this holiday, isn't it. Maybe I won't have grown up enough when I return. Maybe she'd have found somebody else. But yes, oh GOD yes, she does mean enough to me that I'm going to try. As I explained to her a long, long time ago, the whole point here is that I probably need to grow up, atleast a bit, and maybe I can use her to "inspire me" or whatever; that way, either she likes the "mature me" (if such a thing can exist) and ... well ... something happens, or she doesn't, in which case, being mature, I can handle the rejection better. That sort of thing. But the problem is exactly in the first statement (of the first real paragraph) of this blog: I only have forty hours. What to do, what to do? If I had All The Time In The World, I'd be avoiding her, giving myself the time to re-figure some stuff out, but of course, this time, I can't. So how? Right now, I'm just waiting. It's agonizing like hell, but there's nothing I can do. I'm probably going to say something stupid to her tomorrow, but hopefully she won't mind, 'cos I'm leaving in a day, etc. After I get back home, I'll have enough time to sit around and Think Things Through, and ... well ... grow up? Let's see. Might be a lot to ask for, but I should think it's about time. I need more discipline in my life, that's for sure. But .. what are you supposed to do when someone means so much to you?

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Shivering, shaking and weeping, she said: "I can't believe all my friends have been killed. I'm the only one left."

[1] Wars are not meaningless. They always mean much too much to those hurt and killed.

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She draws her feet up under her and curls up in the seat smiling. Then she pats me on the arm. 'Oh Bea, you should know by now. The only thing to understand about in life is that there is no such thing as normal'.

Joy Cowley, Classical Music The only thing to understand about life is that there is no such thing as normal. This I like. This I shall hold around me like a sheet as I go to sleep tonight. Good night.

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Singapore is steaming, steaming, STEAMING right about now. I swear, it always gets so bleeding hot just when I'm about to leave. About to leave. Wow. :). It's nearly going-home-time. I was always a huge fan of going-home-time: Karate class, school, whenever. Going home meant holiday; meant relaxing; meant doing what I wanted. Of course, now my priorities have gone and twisted and gotten funny :). I have to sit down sometime - maybe after I go back to Bangalore? - and just look at how much I've changed, how far I've come. And that's not the best bit. I think - maybe - (maybe, maybe?) - that New Things are just around the corner. Novelty beckons. Could it be? I hope so - I want an exciting, fun, enjoyable, memorable holiday (all my holidays are now going to get modeled after the one I had in Bombay last year!). Yeah, and get rid of excess baggage around my middle, if you know what I mean. You have been warned. Anyways, it's 4:05am, better get to sleep (like, now!). Ciao. Wish me luck!!!! (*excited*)

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But, to the best of my knowledge, I have no friends who are trying to ask someone out. Hmm. Anyways, a Laugh. Btw: 1. Exams over. 2. I'm on ICQ now (IUN: 43-118-784). Seeya there!

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Please, please, please keep blogging! It's so much fun - and so refreshing in the exams! - to stop to go and read someone's inner thoughts! It's such a thrill, please don't deny me, please-please? Would be filling up my blog, 'cept: (a) nothing (concrete) happening in my life, and (b) what is happening is studying, and there's lots and lots and lots of typing there ... so not very tempted to type more. So ... WRITE!

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Notes to self: Why am I doing this? So that I can get decent grades for this semester, keep my CAP up, so I have more options open, and then I can do what I want to do rather than what I'm forced to do. Also, it's interesting. And the lecture notes aren't half bad. What is it all for? For tomorrow. For life. Mostly, for me. What's the plan? A mix of movies, LN - with comprehensive note-taking. Aim for a wrapup of all important stuff by Sat. Spend Sunday doing mostly questions and the like.

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As follows:

"In the face of adversity, uncertainty and conflicting sensory information, I hereby pledge to remain ever mindful of the magical, infinite, loving reality I live in. A reality that conspires tirelessly in my favor. I further recognize, that living within space and time, as a Creation amongst my Creations, is the ultimate Adventure, because thoughts become things, dreams come true, and all things remain forever possible. As a Being of Light, I hereby resolve to live, love and be happy, at all costs, no matter what, with reverence and kindness for All. So be it!" [1]

Hmmm ... think I can keep it?

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Nice quiz page! First Lines

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Prof Tar Bor Leong: Every good things must come to an end, however much you enjoy. Polymerising a polypeptide cannot go on forever.

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Time time time?

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Serious, I want *out*. No more computers-as-the-begin-and-end-all of all life. I need a Lego replacement, something to screw around with when you want to screw around with something. To waste time. To not think of things. To let things go by. Something more than books, than software, than work, than studies. But really can't think of anything. Maybe should get my guitar from India :P. Then can regale all the people around me with weird songs late at night! Seriously, though. Today was so bugging. Wanted to waste time, to chill, and could think of absolutely NOTHING to do. This is not, not, not good.

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... that maybe, just maybe, just maybe maybe, it's time? It's exactly one year tonight - is it? Crap, the date's in my Windows partition. But, well. It's close. Scarily close. Am I scared? Just a bit. Well, okay, a lot. I've lost a bit of faith in myself, I think. Not sure, no more. Ah well. Wait and see? Okay. Okay? Okay.

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Koans for everybody! Let me know if you find any others ...

1. What is a koan?
2. Zen Koans: my favourite koans page.
3. Christian koans: Interesting

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No, not suffering from either right now, but just thinking about it. Why do people fall in love, if heartbreak is the end of all love, and heartache is the only post-love experience? Think about it: you meet a girl, you fall in love, you love her, she loves you, all is peachy-nice until one of you dies. And then whichever one's left has to pick up the pieces, cry a bit, and move on with his or her life. You see? Always pain, and that's very much the best case scenario. Generally, it's all about meeting someone, then meeting someone better; or running behind someone until you can't run any more, or just ... or just ... I don't know. I can't say. I'm trying to think about this rationally, emotionlessly, trying to figure out what would be the smartest thing to do and so on, but it's hard. It's love. It's supposed to be emotional and complex and irrational and sacrificial and ... and ... and ... well, all those other things. Jesus Christ - am I going to be taking this post off for getting too personal? But that would undermine the honesty of this blog. Very well, never mind; let me leave this here, and let everybody just figure out whatever they want to off-of it. But yeah ... love ... confusing. Never mind. Let's wait and watch and watch and wait and watch and watch and watch. There's time enough for everything, and anyways, I'm going home in less than two weeks. There will be stories, and there will be advice, and there will be time to lie back (in the beauteous hills of Kodaikanal, I wonder?) and just think about it all. Right now, not thinking, not wondering, not ... not ... not at all at all at all at all-ing ... might must must be the best strategy. Oh crap, I forgot something, something important. But never mind. Tomorrow is another day. (Didn't the best generals in the world get into trouble for saying that? That they won't worry about it, they'll look at it tomorrow, but - bang! - the world has changed, and the armies have moved, and all they can do is wait and watch as history unfolds before their helpless eyes? But then again, perhaps, defeat was inevitable; that was an end that had to be an end, so that a new beginning - perhaps at great cost, perhaps for the betterment of all - could begin. That's my curse, that's my oscillation: what is best for me in all of this?)

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I've got nothing to say, but that's okay ...

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Aaaaaa ... I'm going to do badly for my exams 'cos I hugely underestimated how hard it would be and now I'm going to be so clueless and so confused and it's only three and a half hours and I'll never manage and breakfast is still swirling around in my stomach making me feel funny inside and I'm sweating like a pig and it sucks it all sucks it all just sucks so bad so bad so bad ... :(

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The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

From my Archies motivational calender.

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The Answer is the Answer - the Answer to Life, Love, The Universe and Everything. The Answer to Faith Path Way Walk Stop Stumble Stumble Go. The Answer to Means and Reasons, Meanings and Explanations, Dreams and Reality. The Answer, most of all, to Tomorrow: to that infite tomorrow which scares us as we stand, and makes us doubtful of our todays. The Question to the Answer is deliberately vague: Will She, Won't She? Can It, Can't It? Hope or Give Up? Dream or Die? Sleep or Work? Work or Play? Walk or Whine? Direction or Time? He who knows the Answer can know his life; but He who does not known the answer will never have to watch too many soap operas :P.

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Google has finally acknowledged that I need help. Warning: Advice might be religious in nature.

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An attack of depression. Who am I? What am I good for? I've been struggling at this for about four hours now, with very little enthusiasm and even less brainpower. Off the top of my head: 1. Cheering people up (yeah, right. Does that really help? If you just let people be, won't they "come 'round" by themselves? Why do you need to go up and try to make a difference? Isn't it a complete bally waste of time? And it's not like I'm really good at it either. Ii suck at it. It's just that I have a knack of being around at the right time, I guess. But I really truely suck at it otherwise). 2. Coding (well okay I can make castles in the sands, wowsie, castles in the sand and the ocean's coming in. What could are those?) 3. .... nothing else, really. Right? Oh, right. Mugging up Beatles lyrics and remembering interesting facts. Scream with joy on that one! Things I suck (possibly terminally) at: 1. Dancing 2. Dealing with people Ladies and Gentlemen, Gaurav Vaidya: a Guy of Little Use.

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Hello, World! 1. I'm clean. 2. I'm bathed. 3. I've just finished the first draft of my 2202 report. 4. I'm now going for dinner (after lunch at 11:30am!) 5. I'm then going to my lab, to set up some stuff and dream bioinformatic dreams :) 6. Then I'm coming back to my room, editing my report, and going to sleep. 7. Waking up early tomorrow (mmmm! Early!) and going down to the lab, printing printing, submitting submitting. 8. Then I'm studying for 2104 (like, all day!) 9. Then I'm going to give the exam (like, totally!) 10. Then I'm taking Lodish (or, after yesterday night, maybe I'll transfer my affections to ... Alberts? haha, I feel so deceptive ...) 11. And then it's a day full of Mol Bio on tuesday 12. Mol bio exam on Wednesday 13. And (to summarise) the rest of my life, in sequence, begins on Thursday ... (haha, I get into such good moods, after being in such bad moods sometimes. I swear, I'm manic-depressive ... :D)

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Me going to sleep. Has been a horribly horrible waste of a day :(. And ... and ... and .. the flies ... and 2104 .. .and the report ... and ... eeks. It's all too much .Maybe - hopefully - betterbe! - tomorrow will be a better day. Let's see. Let's hope. Let's pray. :)

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1. Got an extension until Monday morning (9am). 2. STILL not in any mood to work, but now in such a thorough non-work mood that ... that ... well. I don't know. I'm not going to let myself off tonight without working, but ... let's see ... no! ... well ... eeeeks ... feeling surprisingly good, considering all this crap. Just in a very heck-care kinda mood. =) let's see let's see.

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:( Why? Why oh why oh why do I have to do this? Now, today, why? I'm just so not in the mood, but I'm going to make an honest attempt, if it kills me. If I'm dead tomorrow it won't matter, and let's face it, I'm probably going to be dead tomorrow anyways, just coz I'm up so late. And it's not that I blame going out tonight or anything. I'm just ... it's just ... unfair! Not so soon after UROPS, not so soon before exams, and ... not with .. .all the confusion. Just so tempted to e-mail the prof and ask him for an extension. God knows I have reason, and let's face it, I deserve it. I had a UROPS presentation on Thursday. I thought I'd have five days, and instead, I have two. So? And it's thirty friggin' percent. I mean, Christ, it's 50% as important as my Monday 2104 exam! Christ. And my stomach is totally khallas. Bekar. Spoilt. Twisted (well, twisting/twisted, whatever). Arrrrrrgh!!! And the worse bit is knowing, odds are, I'm going to be e-mailing-and-asking-for-more-time anyways. And, well, tomorrow (or tonight), he can't exactly say, "No, you have to!" The best he can do is, "Okay, but you get 2%/5%/10%/25% deducted automatically. Can?" which is a very mean thing to do, but he can. He can't say Submit Today, cos I don't (won't) have it. And I'm going to get into such trouble for Mol Bio and LSM2104! Argh argh argh. Okay. That's it. This thing is screwing with my life too badly, and it has to go. The attack begins now. Okay? Yeah? Okay? Let's go ...

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So I say, Thank You for the music, the songs I'm singing, Thanks for all the joy they're bringing, Who could live without it, I ask in all honesty, What would life be, Without a song or dance what are we? So I say, Thank You for the music, for bringing it to me

... and ...

And when the world is cold, And I need a friend to hold, You pick me up, You give me love, You give me love, baby And when the night has come, And I feel I can't go on, You give me love, You give me love, You give me love

In decidedly good spirits (but for how long? Who can say?), yours, G.

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(couldn't resist ;)

There was something in the air that night, The stars were bright, Fernando, They were shining there for you and me, For liberty, Fernando, Though we never thought that we could loose, there's no regrets. If I had to do the same again, I would, my friend, Fernando, Yes, if I had to do the same again, I would, my friend, Fernando

[1]

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"He watched her. He took his time. Had he known that he was about to enter a tunnel whose only egress was his own annihilation, would he have turned away? Perhaps. Perhaps not. Who can tell?" [1] :) In case you're wondering, no, no regrets, not at all, not yet. Tomorrow? Let's see.

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Irrefutable evidence

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... am I such a procrastinator? Everything's so really great in my life right now (absolutely no sarcasm - serious!), I've got the friends, the motivation, hell, even the interest, to some extent. But there's jsut this overwhelmning desire to hold my pillow close and lie in bed ... and really not sure whether it would be better to do that instead of trying to study and waste more time that way (figure: if I sleep now, I'm more awake/active later). But of course later never comes ... :) So how? Destroy temptation? Go to Science? Or stay in room and fightfightfight? okay: compromise. Will stay in room (and Linux :D) to write an overview for the presentation, then will go to lab and work on it (but lab comp sucks!). Hmmm then will slip into Windows to do it. Ugh dun wanna use a comp ... hand still feeling stiff and weird from the overwork it got on Tuesday :(. But it's nice being in Linux ... after so long ... everything just *works*! :) (on the other hand, I think my latest apt-get broke my xf86 ... maybe next time I boot in I'm in for a nasty surprise!) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah my pooooor hands!!! :(

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Really, it's funny. Am sitting here looking into the clouds turning (slowly, steadily) a lime-orange-red, while the sun blazes with a strenght I'd never noticed before. And you know what? Too many memories :). And this coming from me, who can barely get out of bed before 10pm! And that too, just in Singapore! Waay too many memories ... mornings-at-the-beach-coming-homes-from-the-beach-staying-up-in-the-lab-at-the-lab-with-the-lab and of course waking-up-early-or-just-was-up-all-night-for-no-reasonably-good-reason (like y'day night). Memories, alone (hah! no!) in the moonlight (i wish), has this loon lost his memories (i hope not?), etc.

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I sit in my lab, and look out the window. What do I see? It's morning. Dawn. The sun bleeds red on the horizon. Mixing with the clear blue of sky, it seeps into cotton-clouds and grey-ghosts. It turns buildings grey and thoughts dark. The clouds rise in wrath and darken in the distance. I flew in to Singapore from Bangalore, on a date I can't remember any more, early in the morning. I can still remember flying into uncertainty, Orion rising in my plane window, one creaky broken seat with a grumpy old man two seats down. And then meeting with the OSA appointed people - they were so nice! - who took me to KE. And hating it. And hating it and everything else. And most distinctly, I remember the clouds - soaking up the afterbirth of a newborn sun, hanging low and dark over the island below. Heralders to my home-away-from-home, a home I was to hate, then not mind so much, and now, can't imagine my life without. The sun rises, another day begins, and ... and? Is there an and? Of course there is. And, in a while, it will set. And night shall come. But should we be disappointed, we who have an entire day to do with as we please? I dun think so.

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Hands. I sit here typing - chatting with a friend, trying to get something to work in JBuilder, surfing. A click of the mouse, a whirl of the wrist, a twist of a thumb and a poke on a key, and viola - it all works out. Ctrl-W your way out of tabs, middle-click your way into them, type a class defination and make a difference in a friend's life. Am I really, truely aware of the fact that it could all end tomorrow? "But when tomorrow comes", could we "do it all again"? What happens if the very means of doing it all over comes to an end? Carpel tunnel syndrome is just around the corner! On thing i've been realising lately is just how one dimensional my life is outside programming. I have stuff in the air - don't think that I don't - but ... I've been coding again lately, and everything else just feels so strange and empty. And ... well ... I don't know. I just don't know anymore. Except maybe for impressing pretty girls and blogging, nothing seems to really turn me on in the real world. But ... but ... the real world is real, yeah? But what's really real? And ... but ... maybe ... Eck.

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Before I begin, I would like to put in the following quote from a good, good friend:

Don't be afraid if you're flying over unknown land; the sky is always the same.

Come to think of it, there is very litte to say on the subject of baths, so a little family history: bathing has gone, for me, from being something i hated (or found an infernal boring waste of time) to a True Love. My family loves taking long baths, in general; but I always take small ones 'cos the most cockroaches are in the bathroom. But I love bath dreaming - not so much in the shower, but in hot tubs (on the rare occasions when I get to use them) ... to lie back and think of everything and nothing, to open mind and body to all and so to nothing ... the one true way of attaining bliss ... Anyways, it's bliss time now, so off I go! Bbye, bbye!

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WELL said!

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throw new IdentityCrisis(<<EOBLOG Who am I? (quite unlike me, to cut to the chase, to hit at the heart of the matter straight-on, I know, but - well ... never mind. I don't know why I did it either, but there's a fire of impatience burning deep inside me, and I have to stem it or put it out. This isn't helping ...) See? That's the point. I'm lying on my bed as I write this, and on one hand is a tiny little angel shouting, "Sleep!" and on the other, an identically small angel shouting "Go!" One of them is red, and filthy and bloody come straight from hell; the other, white and heavenly with a smile of love and perfection. And on my right is white, and the dread from red is at the end of the bed - or is it the other way around? That one, wearing white, is that a flash of blood-red from under his clothes? And she, most beautiful and pure white and gold - is that a flash of forked tail I saw? Ah ... It's not even which way now, 'coz "which" way would imply location and direction - to the front or to back, to left or to right, or just on straight on? But I'm floating, free in space and yet tied down, a bird with clipped wings (or merely butterfly wings, which have never before known the freedom of the sky, and are just waiting for to be pumped to their prime, and then to be launched into the sky on their flight of purpose? Or penguin wings, perhaps - and as my friends will agree, everybody loves the penguin! And so strong and secure and powerful! - perhaps, destined never to fly at all, but to go with and go to and take another way through?) (Interrupt! Just downloaded and test-drove Eclipse; Varun had said it was good - or had he meant another program? - but me not impressed. Even with something like Visual Studio, I could probably code pretty nice - especially with it prompting me about function prototypes and all. For all its visual snazz (which, obviously, kills my comp!), I couldn't get it to give me the prototype in ten minutes - yes, that was the size of the test drive. Don't give me that skeptical look! But yeah, at least now, I can code waay better on Vim, with its colour highlighting and '/' searching and ':' line typing, then - for all it's snazz - Eclipse. It's kinda fun - there are people who go around coding with such enormous boxen, and all I use are an editor older than me, 'javac' and 'java'! Is that efficiency, show-off-ity, or just plain stupidity? But the somebody's just STI'd, and I'm going to have to leave this interrupt before I get interrupted!) Thoughts:

I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky, And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,

Is that the trick?, I wonder, is that what I need? I have my seas, they wait for me, but perhaps, and maybe, and just ... is it that I need a star?

Oh Master, grant that I may never seek, So much to be consoled as to console, To be understood, as to understand, To be loved, as to love with all my soul

I always liked helping others, but it's not a glorious universal love, no way: it's a selfish, hungering love, which longs to see in the eyes of a friend or - gasp, could it be? - a loved one, a smile or sunshine or sunbeam, glowing where moments ago was withered rose? Which longs, let's be perfectly honest, to bind others to one, that one may not be alone, and to keep secrets hidden deep within. That's it for tonight, I think. The walls are coming, and I shall be swept out to sea. Will I find my way back? Will I drown in the rough-and-dirty waters? Or will I find another ship, another beach, another land? I'm not making much sense, am I? Never mind. I'm not really talking to you after all, am I? I can't really hear your voice or see your face, smile and you and say that it's okay, it's going to be okay, and the world is a fine fine place and oh, walls, what walls, oh those, oh, never you mind, never you mind, I'll be high and dry and safe and warm, safe as a cat on a sofa, warm as a dog on a rug, and within days! minutes! seconds! gracious, don't you go and worry about me now ha ha I mean come on, it's me, you know me (wink, wink) I always make it through, a survivor, that's what I am, yeah. It's like that other thing in my life, really - sure, unbelievably sure, but undeniably delicate and fragile and almost, almost-though-not-quite unreal. I know I'll survive. I just don't believe it. :) Seeya tomorrow, y'all, EOBLOG

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diarist.net. I dunno, Blogger's boring. Diary-X sounds sexy, but dunno how useful it will be :P. Ah well ah well, blogger has an interesting format and a cool icon, so let's just go with that for now.

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Life suddenly seems so pointelss, so fleeting, so worthless. Why do we need others to give meaning to our life? Why do we need others to make our lives matter? Is the world simply that jobless and pointless and useless? Every building, every book, every forest, every cell, is it all just a Pretty Little Useless Thingy? PLUTy, PLUTy, everywhere! p.s. naah, i'm not depressed ... I'm just bugged. It's one thing to depend on friends when you're depressed or something. It's quite another to depend on them to make your day worth living. :(

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Yay! No, no ... bad start. Let's try again. "Yay." Droopy style. No over-enthusiasm, no self-praise, no glory, no satisfaction. Nothing. Emptiness inside. Well, that's a laugh in any case. Life is, all things consi... - no, no quantifications. Life is good. Things are easier now. Now I can work ... Ack, boss is back. B'bye.

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Here comes the sun, I say (is it alright?). Well, well, the night's done, it's morning now. A lot of my results are looking nicer, which means discussion should be easy ... I hope! :) Pray for me, won't you, won't you? P.s. Wonders why he likes repeating verbs and thus sounding spastic ...

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A lot of blog posts from friends this week! Am addressing two simultaneously: both of them dealing with the same thing. Regrets. Conscience. The past. The present. The future. Why we, as humans, have the almost magical ability to deal with all three in separate discreet units, and - in an amalgam of sheer genius to awe any animal, plant or bacteria coupled only with the desperate hopelessness of an animal who Knows The Future - to deal with all three as separate entities, and then to allow the past to mock the future, and the future to swallow the present, and the present to seduce the past. Also, am atleast partially writing this to steel myself up 'coz ... today's UROPS day! By five p.m. today, one way or another, for better or for worse, in happiness or sadness, my second Undergraduate Research Opportunities Programme project will come to an end (I told my boss today that I was planning not to do any more UROPS; thought he'd agree with me as my record of working hard for UROPS is not good. His response - "What, you're only going to do coursework?" - with a tone of disgust made me rethink the certainty of my choice but I digress). Shooting off in one quick, short jump before I return to the topic at hand, I'm wondering how much my blog is being affected by my influences. When I was typing the last paragraph, it reminded me suddenly of Kelken's Thoughts page, and it has a calm quiet tone to it which reminds me of Naef's blog, too. Hmmm. I wonder how much we assimilate those we meet? How much we become those we see around us? But enough questions. Back to the future! Quickly now, quickly quickly, for time steals on; but tomorrow I will have absolutely, totally, positively no time to get anything done, so I ought to finish this now (I wonder if Ms. Mok will read this? But I know the other intended audience is listening, right beyond the edge of sight, aren't you? Aren't you?). Why can't we live like animals? Why can't we be born and die and run and jump and leap and skip and fall and cry and hurt and love and leave and go and come and wake and sleep, all in that one single instant of time - the present - in which all animals but us live? Here's a thought: why are we so different? Why are we the only animals who live in the past, present and future, not in the ever-present Now? But are we the only ones? What of chimpanzees, coordinating attacks on enemies in African forests? What about dogs, hunting in packs in the guise of wolves? What about ants, scurrying in self-controlled self-modulated complex systems? I believe that the answer is simple: nobody lives in the ever-present now. There is no everpresent now to live in, to begin with (have to edit this entry later ... when I've got the Time!), to end with. We all live in a continuous flow, past-to-present-to-future, one way street. Of course, that doens't mean its a bad thing. You can live your life the way you want - nothing's stopping you but your fears and worries, and what are they, but meaningless stops in the road? Go ahead, make it work, make your dreams and chase them to the end of the earth, and if you must jump off it's edge in the process - well, what's stopping you? Me back to my report now, my last comments - until this entry's pretty inevitable full-edit - Don't Worry about being human. Your priority is to being a happy, healthy well-adjusted animal first. Take care of yourself, groom yourself nicely, walk the walk as sharp as any cat, sleep like a dog, play like a kitten, jump like a kangaroo, and run like a horse. From the Emu in you learn curiosity, from the elephant, strength and stability; from the owl wisdom, and the (dare I add?) Pooh-of-little-brain: that some things are important, and some are not, and figuring out which is which is the font of all learning. Finally, and most importantly - though that hardly need be said - learn. Learn, learn and live, live and explore, live and seek, live and find. But mostly, firstly, most-importantly - live.

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Google Job Opportunities: Google Copernicus Center is hiring. Google's April Fool's trick for this year. Cheers, and happy fool's day! :)

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Go listen to this. And don't worry about a thing, okay? There are people trying their best to take care of this; and I'm not your only friend, not by a long shot, and we're all here to take care of you. Things will get better, and probably pretty soon. Any time you want to sit down and talk about this is fine by me :). Just gimme a ring, okay? You mean a lot (a lot a lot) to me, so just take care and hold on to the ship, okay? It might be a rough ride ahead for a while, but you're going to make it through. Be brave - courage is always better than being scared; to be in control is always better than to be pushed around this way and that. Be brave - stand up tall (and aren't friends there to hold you up when you need holding?) and make your stand. Don't loose yourself in worry and fear - do something about your worries. They may not become any better, but they won't become worse, and maybe you'll learn something about being brave in the process. Be brave - you have the strength to make it through, I know you do. You just need to find it, and I'm sure you will. Take care, and lots of love from me :).

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Bloomsbury.com - Writer's almanac ... for all you aspiring writers out there. (Am I an aspiring writer? I don't think so. I'm not so much into it that I'm ever actually going to get anywhere or anything, but I like it. I like words. I like English, as a language, as a medium of thought. But ... never mind. I guess that's what blogs are for - to let "aspiring" writer go ahead and screw around with stuff until they decide to either give up, try, or just keep going like they are now :) ... Ignore me, I'm sleepy. And I've got a ton of work to do. Then again, my room is really smelling better today :). Should air it out more often ...

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