Gaurav's Blog

This can usually be found on Twitter.

I really don't know where to begin tonight, and that's depressing. Shows you how disconnected I've gotten, lately.

Well, it's not disconnected. I still know who I am, and what I'm doing here, and (atleast roughly) how the world looks from out these eyes. Lately, though, it feels like the world itself is slowly rolling away from its hinges. My friend's latest entry scares me - it's red text, on deceptively light blue background, with a really spooky picture of a angsty looking guy, who might be crying. Having had way too much coffee today doesn't help. Being in love and not doing much about that, either, makes it worse. And a friend of mine is horribly upset about a whole set of things. A near-friend is creeping me out, and - maybe, just maybe - changing everything all at once. Oh, no, he's not. Oh, yes, he is. Oh, no ... and and and I've missed two lectures this week. Two. My worse week since school began, and it's only just begun.

Am I upset? No I'm not yes I am no I'm not. No. I'm not. I'm enough of an optimist to not care about the local trends any more. It doesn't really matter, no-oh-oh. A change here, a cent there, does it matter?

And yet, and yet. Change-continuous is inevitable, and I have no problem with rolling with the punches, but change-forever, now that's an entirely different bowl of fish. Change-forever, well, I'd welcome it even, in my more optimistic moods. But in general, change-forever (especially if I suspect that it is really, truely forever) gives me the creeps.

I could be philosophical about it, I guess: isn't change-forever exactly the same thing as change-continuous? Just bigger?

Ha, ha. Sometimes I wonder how many of my prison cells are of my own choosing - how many will just vanish into smoke the instant I understand that they won't, can't, hold me back? And how many - despite my most ardent wishes - are my real prison cells, those that will hold me under their hypnotising stare all the way until the day I ... but surely, I'll find those I can't accept, and they'll be rendered helpless and vanish into the mists of time, too?

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I were to be reduced to this: a white screen, text scrolling by in gloriously high resolution. Typing and creating, scattering dreams ideas thoughts words letters bytes nibbles bits across the internet. It's a fool's dream, I'm sure, but an incredibly tempting one.

I want to go on writing, to go on dreaming. One day it will all end - this crush, this dream, this life. Everything. And then, what will matter? This page? This post? I don't know.

Probably nothing very much. This is such a relief to me. I'd hate to matter, to have people care about me and miss me after I'm gone. The freedom is heady and exhilerating.

Love friends depression life pathways directions possibilities hope (yes, damnit, hope) aside, something that's really turning me on these days - business. I don't believe it myself, but it's like the first time I learned to program in BASIC all over again. Was trying to figure out how much money a certain proposed company would make (never mind the idea), and the spreadsheet I got, just looked so much like crap. Did it again yesterday night, and man oh man does my new spreadsheet look good. It's getting better, fellas, and you know ... one day, it might actually happen?

What? Who knows. I just know I'll get there someday and find out :).

This post was posted by Unknown at 2:49 am