throw new IdentityCrisis(<<EOBLOG
Who am I?
(quite unlike me, to cut to the chase, to hit at the heart of the matter straight-on, I know, but - well ... never mind. I don't know why I did it either, but there's a fire of impatience burning deep inside me, and I have to stem it or put it out. This isn't helping ...)
See? That's the point. I'm lying on my bed as I write this, and on one hand is a tiny little angel shouting, "Sleep!" and on the other, an identically small angel shouting "Go!" One of them is red, and filthy and bloody come straight from hell; the other, white and heavenly with a smile of love and perfection. And on my right is white, and the dread from red is at the end of the bed - or is it the other way around? That one, wearing white, is that a flash of blood-red from under his clothes? And she, most beautiful and pure white and gold - is that a flash of forked tail I saw? Ah ...
It's not even which way now, 'coz "which" way would imply location and direction - to the front or to back, to left or to right, or just on straight on? But I'm floating, free in space and yet tied down, a bird with clipped wings (or merely butterfly wings, which have never before known the freedom of the sky, and are just waiting for to be pumped to their prime, and then to be launched into the sky on their flight of purpose? Or penguin wings, perhaps - and as my friends will agree, everybody loves the penguin! And so strong and secure and powerful! - perhaps, destined never to fly at all, but to go with and go to and take another way through?)
(Interrupt! Just downloaded and test-drove Eclipse; Varun had said it was good - or had he meant another program? - but me
not impressed. Even with something like Visual Studio, I could probably code pretty nice - especially with it prompting me about function prototypes and all. For all its visual snazz (which, obviously, kills my comp!), I couldn't get it to give me the prototype in ten minutes - yes, that was the size of the test drive. Don't give me that skeptical look! But yeah, at least now, I can code waay better on Vim, with its colour highlighting and '/' searching and ':' line typing, then - for all it's snazz - Eclipse. It's kinda fun - there are people who go around coding with such enormous boxen, and all I use are an editor older than me, 'javac' and 'java'! Is that efficiency, show-off-ity, or just plain stupidity? But the somebody's just STI'd, and I'm going to have to leave this interrupt before
I get interrupted!)
Thoughts:
I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
Is that the trick?, I wonder, is that what I need? I have my seas, they wait for me, but perhaps, and maybe, and just ... is it that I need
a star?
Oh Master, grant that I may never seek,
So much to be consoled as to console,
To be understood, as to understand,
To be loved, as to love with all my soul
I always liked helping others, but it's not a glorious universal love, no way: it's a selfish, hungering love, which longs to see in the eyes of a friend or - gasp, could it be? - a loved one, a smile or sunshine or sunbeam, glowing where moments ago was withered rose? Which longs, let's be perfectly honest, to bind others to one, that one may not be alone, and to keep secrets hidden deep within.
That's it for tonight, I think. The walls are coming, and I shall be swept out to sea. Will I find my way back? Will I drown in the rough-and-dirty waters? Or will I find another ship, another beach, another land?
I'm not making much sense, am I? Never mind. I'm not really talking to you after all, am I? I can't really hear your voice or see your face, smile and you and say that it's okay, it's going to be okay, and the world is a fine fine place and oh, walls, what walls, oh those, oh, never you mind, never you mind, I'll be high and dry and safe and warm, safe as a cat on a sofa, warm as a dog on a rug, and within days! minutes! seconds! gracious, don't you go and worry about me now ha ha I mean come on, it's me, you know me (wink, wink) I always make it through, a survivor, that's what I am, yeah.
It's like that other thing in my life, really - sure, unbelievably sure, but undeniably delicate and fragile and almost, almost-though-not-quite unreal. I
know I'll survive. I just don't believe it. :)
Seeya tomorrow, y'all,
EOBLOG
This post was posted by Unknown at 1:10 am
