Gaurav's Blog

This can usually be found on Twitter.

Like most things in my life, drinking, sex, and other vices, I tend to do stuff in binges.

That got me thinking. I've always thought of myself as someone who gets extremely excited about something, and then pursues it with everything he has until something more interesting comes along. Well, maybe not with everything. Also, lately, I've been forcing myself to not give up on stuff which doesn't excite me, or rather, to try and keep the excitement ... ah, offtrack. Never mind.

Back to binging. Do I binge? Do I binge on life? It's hard for me to say, even if I look at myself honestly (which I rarely do, not when I know that a lot of my friends are reading, and plus, this is English - this is the form, the shape, the sentence, the verb structures and noun declinations that I hide behind on a regular basis, so the inner me doesn't get out). Maybe I am a binger. I wouldn't want to be - if I'm going to become self-employed to any extent whatsoever, I need to be able to push a project until it's done, in all its magnificent glory, sheer elegance, et cetera, ad nauseum. But ... if I am a binger, what's there to be done about it? Can I really stop? Maybe I just have to be careful what I binge on - PHP Perl websites observing exercise dreams good, girls hearts overanalysing computers and acting like a geek bad. Eh.

On the "overanalysing" issue, am trying to phase out overanalysing and replacing it with overobserving - trying to be as observant about things as possible, as deductive etc. etc., but without ... well, as far as I know, my whole problem with overanalysing issues was that when I did overanalyse things, earlier, I would generally skew my analysis towards whatever I wanted. Now, I'm trying to be more balanced about it: more observing, less analysing, that's my motto. Try and watch out for what's going on rather than figuring it out as an additional step. I can see a coupla big problems with this immediately, so I'll just think of it as a vague statement of my exact, present state - subject to immediate, irretrievable chance, whenever I want to - and leave it at that.

I'm in a writey mood because I have a midterm tomorrow and I need to study. Well - I could just go back to my room and try and sleep, and study in the morning (it's only 00:19, still tons of time). There's a lot to understand and stuff. Mostly, I'm just here cos it's colder here. Mostly, I'm writing a lot because I haven't really spoken to anyone about the kind of stuff going around in my head recently - well, simply because I'm not allowed to. It's as simple as that, and no, it's not driving me nuts or anything. Sometimes there are somethings which are best kept to yourself (so why am I railing on about it here? Well, I think of this as my personal brainstormroom. If you guys have any questions, you can ask, but I may not answer - probably not answer, if I've *said* I don't want to talk about it).

So, where are we: binging, analysing, want to talk. Check. Well, okay, in retrospect, it probably isn't a smart idea for me to talk about any of that stuff here, so I'll hush up. It's just that ... if you want things to happen in your life, you have to make them happen. Lately, nothing much has been happening in my life, and it's sad. Well, the very very little which has been happening, hasn't been so good. But the good bits are few, far between, and getting crushed up amongst the very few bad bits and the many, many, many bits of sheer nothingness. I'm not talking workwise or anything - that way, lots is happening, lots will happen. I mean emotionally. I'm an emotional person, and unless my emotional muscles are being tweaked, I'm not a happy boy. And right now, emotional muscles ... are getting pulled bad, sometimes, good, rarely, and getting no exercise whatsoever - a hell of a lot.

(The author would like to thank those of you with the sheer bravado to make it this far, and would like to reward you with a quote from (maybe? probably not) Sigmund Freud: "Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar")

Yeah, so: emotional muscles not getting exercise. So how? Well, I don't know. I'm not sure if it's time limitations, people limitations or just sheer inertia. Argh, I don't know. I suppose I can't go through life getting emotionally pulled and twisted one way or another, can I? Or can I? Maybe I can if I can trust the twister :) ... any other suggestions, guys?

Maybe I just need to get out more ... I don't know ... right now, it just doesn't seem worth the effort, but it does look like the only way out of this quandary, so ...

(It just had to happen: after over a year of vacillerating, Gaurav has to decide between being social and unsocial - again. He's done this before, and the result has been the same: he'd like to get back into his safe, secure I-barely-know-anyone hideyhole and watch the world go by, but now he's peeked out, he's seen the Big Time, and baby, the hole's too damn small now. He'll just have to come to terms with the big ol' world, same as everyone else, and hope for the best).

I think I'm done for the night - well, more tired than out of things to talk about, believe me, but I need some sleep or this midterm is going bye-bye.

(Other things I can do: river swimming, find me some nice conversation, lie around in a hotel or be assimilated).

This post was posted by Unknown at 11:49 pm