Dear World:
Here is something I've been meaning to say to you for a long, long time, but now that I have tons of things to do, and no time in which to do it, the time (I'm afraid to say) has come.
First of all, what's which this whole rich-poor big-small powerful-powerless duality, huh? I get the rationale behind the conservation of matter and all that crap, but why does anything which happens for anyone have to make things atleast slightly worse for someone else? Can't we all just live in our own tiny spheres, taking charge of our corner of the globe and letting everything else evaporate to nothingness? Does anything really matter? Does anyone?
Second, and this is the one that I particularly object to, what's with all this dreaming crap. If you don't dream, you can't do it, they say, but: to dream is to realise something; and then to not achieve it (or, even better, to choose not to achieve it) is to make it go away. But dreams aren't like that, yeah? They don't just vanish. They can't. They won't. They'll stick around like an irritating leech, sucking out of you the tomorrows which might have been, and those which might yet be. They are your past, coming up to meet with your present, and that - in my humble opinion - is Just Not Done.
Next point: what's with this whole money thing anyway? Does money make you successful? Is a doctor working for peanuts and chickens in Somalia happier than someone with a practice in downtown New York? What if they're both killed (drought, mugging) on their forty-second birthday? Does it make a difference? What is a successful life? What is happiness?
Lastly, let me see if I've got this straight: to get close to someone, you need to let down your barriers, and let them in? And then they're in, and you're out, and inside and outside is melting, right? But: what comes next, then? Can inside merge successfully with outside? Or will there always be hesitancy, a sense of too-much-closeness? And what - I'm going completely hypothetical and out-on-a-limb here - if past collides with today, and screws tomorrow in the process? And if it all goes to hell?
The thing with me - for me, to me, whatever - right now is ... well, to be perfectly honest, I don't know what the thing is entirely. I'm disjointed, disconnected, out of whack, somewhere along the line, but I just don't know where, and it's bugging the hell out of me. Everything feels suddenly and awesome wrong: my room, my hall, my comps, my life. I can't seem to get along with my friends very well these days, and as usual that scares me like crazy :). Generally, I just hang out "by myself" until I get back into a more social mood, and then I get back? But this time, I have to work on the comps, and - even more frightning - I just can't seem to be able to tell people dynamics any more. It's all just gone to hell, basically, and - as always - I'm wondering if it'll come back.
In case you haven't figured it out yet, I am - or can be - quite a neophobic; and change of any sort worries me. It's nothing specific, you know? just a feeling? just a ugly thought? But yeah, it's there, and it scares me. I don't know what's going on, I think I'm changing, and I don't like it. But I'm not very sure what I can do about it.
Maybe I'm changing, but - just slowly? So I'm slightly better or smarter or more mature or whatever than last semester, but not quite there yet? Maybe, I'm just screwed up. It's a possibility, but a dismal, pointless one, so let's not go there.
What else, what else? Well, previous comments about the cruddiness of "Glass Palace" is to be restressed (not that I've read it again or anything, but I just remember). Yeah, it's basically the above, really. See, this is the point: give me a program, make me work on it for ages and ages, then tell me no no no, we need to do something else, sorry mate, program's useless, and you know what I'll do ... ? NOTHING. I'd just zip up my code, put it aside, maybe go for a walk or something to clear my head, and - assuming I'm interested - get working on it straight off. But that just doesn't happen for me with people and relationships. Once I get close to someone, I stay close - for better or for worse, and that's not always a good thing. Oh, what do I know? Everything's confused right now, confused and in the air, it's all just room-SPS-firewall-moving-papers-files-crap-crap-crap. It is. Life's just this hazy, pointless construct for me right now, and I want - I need - OUT. Something new, something breezy, something interesting, whatever man, I don't care, I ain't particular. Just OUT. Just AWAY. Jesus, I don't even know what I mean, or what sort of thing I mean, and my attempt at freaking out last week - going movie, etc. - was just completely wasted. I mean, it was fun, but I would have liked something better? Something - I don't know - more wholesome. Less existential, more alive :P. Whatever, man, me just crapping now. That's about it from me, I suppose. Will go write a story or something now. Ciao.
This post was posted by Unknown at 4:15 pm
at 11:46 pm:
