Gaurav's Blog

This can usually be found on Twitter.

With any luck, this will be my last blogsterbatory post for a while.

• Go to Zuji, pay for my ticket. Note that this implies buying the tix itself either today or tomorrow, ASSUMING that I have adequate funds to do so. I *should*, but I honestly don't know. But it would be stupid to buy the tix, then not pay immediately, maybe loosing the seat in the process and being right back where I began, basically.
• Go to Standard Chartered Orchard, ask them about changing the transfer limit, ask them about changing my address, ask them about post-PR changes, ask them for a yearly statement.
• Go to the M1 shop, get my IDD access reinstated, see if I can trade in my phone now, figure out procedure for post-PR changes.
• Checkout of old KR?

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Yes, I saw it again. Yes, I still love it, although I got all emo at the Col. Fitts - Lester Burnam hug scene, not to mention going all oh-please-no-don't-sit-in-that-chair-Lester! at the final death scene. My habit of picking up characteristics of people around me is acting up again.

The following is for my personal record: since I learnt something on the Internet on Monday night, I went first into a hazy-minded state of ... mostly, dull, uncaring, ... well, not *un* caring per se, just trying to frame this mood of existing without anything much happening upstairs.

So I went home and was exhausted but couldn't sleep; that generally happens whenever I get emotionally ... sprained? Twisted? (I will never understand why issues of love cause so much more actual pain than death ... perhaps because in Death, atleast, you *know* there's nothing you can do? Your cat just died; you can sit and mourne or you can move on, there really aren't all that many options available; but when it's *love*, the options range from running far far away to going down on one knee and declaring Immortal Love, and everything in between; which is by far the scarier: what if you pick wrong? What doors are you closing with the words you say, the things you do? What possibilities die below the merciless hacks of the sword of truth? etc.

Today was kinda weird, and - I am almost proud to say - a cop-out. The fun bit is, the universe cooperated, and I did not want for company the entire afternoon/evening; I was supposed to go home and sleep, but instead I hung out in SPS as it was cooler, and it really did make me feel better. Besides, which I got to see both Kingdom of Heaven (so-so-ish) and American Beauty (yay! YAY! etc.), so my day ended up pretty good all things considered.

The next few days will hopefully be stress-minimal - as long as I can see myself into my new apartment, I should be okay. I think. I hope. Sigh. Life's like that, sometimes? You worry and wonder and hope and try and fail and try again. There should be an easier way.

On the upside, with Prof out of town, and my new room getting ever closer, possible reasons to delay getting my bike fixed vanish in the haze. And that *can't* possibly be a bad thing!

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It's over.

And on a Monday, too.

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With reference to the previous post: oh dear god ouch my brain it is sprainded it is sprainded something bad the feelings the thoughts the the the

Shush.

I want to cry to die to well up into something i don't quite understand i need to lie to try to find something to hold something solid something not quite entirely optionally holdable real straight plumb knowing its own place etc. something which won't slip slide twist turn stab poke dig hold shield serve stand walk try crib hop ech bre tri ni a e r

ouch.

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G.'s (S's?) fucking movie just made me fucking cry.

As an interesting antithesis, it was a totally dry cry.

It was the fucking "I NEED YOU"; anything less and I might've just blubbed quietly or something. I had to fucking put off the fucking movie so that I could just sit the fuck down and fucking whimper like a baby for a good minute or two. But no.

I've had movies get me teary-eyed before; but this was something else altogether.

Still not a wet cry, though =).

Post #386.

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I just finished reading the entire Diesel Sweeties archive. Welcome to my Sunday.

I guess there's really no need to get all snarky about it, I guess. Yesterday wasn't too bad (yay walk!), and today, though a little pointless, might be just a teensy weensy smidgen of a point above productive (I've basically managed to port my entire convert-GenBank-into-Fasta code from Perl into TaxonDNA; so now I'm right back where I started but with a cool interface).

I also just spent an hour or so walking around randomly singing old songs (while unbeknownst to me, a bunch of SPSians did the same in the SPS room), which was fun; my voice didn't sound half as horrible as usual, and I remembered a surprisingly large quantity of lyrics. Also, I had a bit of a brainwave with "One Night Later" yesterday - basically just that a lot of angst I was generating in trying to write it came from the fact that I was trying to squish together this essentially fictitious story (all these people people meeting, trying to come to terms with runaway emotions, etc.) with a true story. So for the next few days, I attempt to push home a thrust by chucking away 'facts' and relying on trying to tell a story which makes itself up as I go along ... (if that made any sense).

So now: to Evangelion or not to Evangelion, that is the question ...

Eh, I need a break.

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I wish there was some way to track the frequency of my blog posts - it'd be really interesting to go back and focus on the bits where posts come once-a-week-a-month, and those (like now) where I blog whenever I'm bored, which is - all things considered - surprisingly frequently these days.

In other news, I walked all the way from Nalini's house to Bukit Timah Plaza, which was (for me, anywho) a fairly impressive walk. Took some nice photos, which go up just as soon as I have time to process them, etc.; there is also the question of finding the connector, something I probably won't bother with until Thursday when I move into my new place!

I'm trying to get back to writing The 'Play (particularly, you know, with May almost over ...), and I'm back in the doldrums, far as that's concerned. I'm not really sure why. Nothing satisfies me. Sigh. Hope I can get back into the "spirit of things" today/tomorrow.

The fact that this blog entry will be reported to have been posted at 10:42pm is only a coincidence. Promise! And, y'know, but still ...

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I'm doing this 'cos one of the few bloggers I read religiously asked me to; if nothing else, I hope that knowing he has one other devoted reader will force him to stay in business :)

If I had an invisibility cloak, I'd spend all my time like the nameless (?) guy in Jaagte Raho!: flittering around at the edge of other people's lives, watching all the fights and love and anger and all the other crap which make up people's lives. Gah, it's all very boring, but what do I care: it'd be fun, atleast for a while, to look behind fascades and through hedgerows and watch the boring, repetitive, angsty, happy, sad, mixed-up, confused dance that is life.

Then I'd probably wander off, try to save the world, and end up dunked in the ocean (after having tripped over my own cloak).

It's my favourite thing about blogging, btw: the fact that I can peer into other people's lives, their travels, loves, triumphs; their stories, and their poetry. It's all a bit much, but I'm lovin' it.

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She's here! And in Singapore too, there's been lighting all night today, not to mention the actual rain earlier today, and even as I speak the gentle drizzle of rain flows across my computer speaker (Indian Rain ... sigh. What a song!)

Today was ... bleah. Really. Coupla ups, coupla downs, coming as it did after a week of a ... lot of ... well, internal emotional awkwardness, let's say ... it was quite tiring, and tomorrow's running around could well be just as stressful. Which means that there's likely to be no bike fixing tomorrow either. Sighs all around.

Am - and have been - surprisingly angsty, all things considered. Need to take things easier, maybe. Went out with lab and other-lab people; I now have a headache thanks to the ONE glass of wine I had. Ouch.

Stress, stress, stress. As I mentioned earlier, I really am looking forward to being unemployed for a bit - y'know, as long as the unemployment doesn't leave me without money etc., which could be a pain.

Ha - just had a funny thought. Could this whole stress thing be multiple me's fighting? Then, whichever way I play, I loose! Sounds like fun, no?

Well, okay, I'm going to be really angsty if I end off there, so I'm just going to add that:

• I am 'bout to drink a lot of water (vague hope of releasing me from hangover angst), then curl up in my not-completely-crap little room (which I leave in a week from two days ago) with my copy of Lolita (which is such an f-ed up way of telling a love story! I'm loving it!), or alternatively, the Year of the Death of Ricardo Reis, which is also pretty brilliant. Then I wake up tomorrow, take a nice hot bath, and do a million-and-one things before making it to Nalini's home, slightly late (no doubt) but hopefully not too much so. Then I eat good food, hang out with lab mates (yay, for sentimental reasons) and, err, try not to think about things for the rest of the day (but I will! It is imperative! Which is why I need my bicycle fixed so urgently! Help, lah ... !)
• Things in Bombay are looking normal-ish. Which, all things considered, is hey, not so very bad.
• And if things somehow get really shit tomorrow, I can always hop on my bicycle anyway - the shop should be open until 7:30, and worse case, I leave my bike at Clementi where it's easier to get to, etc. God, I hope so. I really truely absolutely would go NUTS if I could cycle tomorrow. Really. It's been so long, it is so fun, and I so desperately need to get away from things ...

This post was posted by Unknown at 11:19 pm | 2 comments | Post a Comment

To be precise: where are we?

Today's Towel Day, but the best I could do was bring a towel to lab and leave it lying on the back of my chair.

Tonight I really must get the initiative and actually watch one of the final NGE thingies (Death, Rebirth, and the Movie). I mean, seriously. Today was a classic example of why sometimes it's best not to turn up for work, just lie back and stone, and let everything pass you by ... because the frustration of work just boggles the mind, and makes you feel even worse, which is not very nice.

And I need to figure out someone else who can write me a recommendation letter.

I am so going crazy this weekend. Gah. I need to. Really. Just. Gah.

(In other news: rapidly approaching deadlines! Thump thump thump thump. Within a week, I am moving into my new place. Within a week, I need to buy tickets back home, regardless of how much still-in-mid-air everything is. Within a month, I will be home. Within two, I'll have a job of some sort. Maybe.)

No matter what anybody might say, the "original" ending (I'm sure there's a technical term for that, but never mind) of Evangelion ... well, I won't say it kicks ass, because that sounds objective, but I love it. It's a delicious mix of brainfuck, philosophy, and just straight comedy (always laugh once Shinji "gets it", and Asuka *screams* something like "NOW he gets it, that IDIOT?! After ALL that explaining?!"), and it ... somehow ties things together rather well. It's a nice look back at the series, and a look forward into the post-ending life of Shinji Ikari etc. And it's great to hear all those voices all over again, and - for once! - be able to recognize just about everybody in the story.

It also makes a very elegant close. The Angels progress, getting stronger and stronger, better and better, and - of course - closer and closer to reuniting with Adam (maybe?), in Terminal Dogma (why?), because then they would explode (Really?) and destroy the world (I bet ...). The absolute terror of it closer and closer, but is caught up in the web of intrigue until nobody's really sure about anything anymore ... not giant robots, not Adam, not Angels, not people, not anything. There is, as Death puts it so very nicely, nothing - but us.

I love the style of it, as well. Rap-rap-rap come the questions, and the answers from Shinji, Ayanami and Asuka; reality and animation mix and twist and flow, sometimes one way, sometimes the other, but the overall path is straight as a train on a high bridge - rattle, crackle, but it's still going straight.

Just got my grades. I knew something like this was coming, but even I am impressed by the sheer order and logic of it all - and I got more in Financial than I did in Money?! No matter. I leave NUS with one major, two minors (!!! CZ and Econs! Brilliant!), one co-authored (third- or fourth-authored, really) paper, one piece of decent Free software, some dreams, a coupla crushes, good friends, and ... memories.

Yay!

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Why? There's a bewildering range of reasons, so no need to poke any deeper into that trough than I really have to; I can just say that I've been a bit quieter than usual and I don't like it. I really badly need to bicycle now, and I really badly need to sleep (for AGES like a BABY, etc.), and I really badly need to watch a movie, and ...

Sigh. So much noise, so little time, such a gigantinormous ol' world. So much fear, so much surreal, so little that we mere mortals can aspire to before the ends of the world.

Gah. Philosophicating is over-rated. Am going back to room, NOT turning on internets, and going sleep-sleep. Tomorrow is another day, another patch, another bug-fix. Such is life; but sometimes ... you remember what it's all about. Sometimes it bubbles out of the crevices of your mind, and you understand what it is secondary here and what's the real importance, the actual reason for being - the door into tomorrow, etc. Gah, but I'm sleepy. Off I go. Goodnights.

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Well, it's 11:08. I'll have to get ready within 30-40 minutes to stay on time for Shruti's party, something which is entirely do-able, so I'm instead wasting time lying around and Thinking About Things.

So: in a remarkable break from the last few days, I'm going to talk about Things in General!

Life is surprisingly good right now, all things considered. Desperately need more myself/relax-time (consider extra-ordinary wastage of yesterday and day before etc), but other than that, I have been "hanging out" left, right and center since the day before (come to think of it, I haven't had a single meal by myself since Friday's lunch! ... oh, no, wait, Saturday lunch the First was by myself ...)

I like socializing, so this isn't a bad thing at all. I *love* hanging out with friends in small groups, which is Exactly what has been happening, so that's even better.

In lab, as in life, things are good. My code doth compile, and my software shines on the screen with Fonts of Many Colours. Naturally, the longer you batter a design, the more faults you're likely to find in it, but the fault-finding has grown rarer and rarer, which means I feel like I can put more and more faith in the program itself, which is nice.

What else? Well, things also feel like they're slowly spiralling out ... it's probably an illusion, strengthened by improbability loops (I'm looking for a songs *again*, and a whole CD this time, for instance), but the feeling is one of a toy, whose string has been pulled, and which is now winding down ... I guess it's the excitement/fear/nostalgia/etc of leaving college? For instance, there is a slim chance that I might get my chance to do the freelance web thingie thingie, which would ... but that's way too far in the future to worry about just yet.

Another cool thing: there's so many *near* things to keep me occupied, that the unwinding clock is only in the background. There's going back home sometime next month; there's the Next Big Move at the end of the month, there's all kinds of little oohs-and-aahs still finding their way into TaxonDNA, and of course the long-suffering SPS website. Double/triple "Gah!" (my new favourite phrase!), but I guess it's better to be overworked than under.

*Crows* Life is good!

p.s. It wasn't just my without-glasses-eyesight. It's started raining. Oh bugger. Wait a minute - as long as I don't take my camera, that's a GOOD thing, eh?

p.p.s. Two nights ago I accidently bought a *very* pretty edition of Lolita. So far, so good, although I'm waiting until Ms. Dolores Haze Herself turns up before passing judgement. Thus far, it's a very interesting mixed up kind of book - it's a man talking about his own perverted sexuality with all the attention and excitement that entails, and with a mad sense of purpose underlying everything. Now, if only I'd accidently bought "The Year of the Death of Ricardo Reis" ... :p

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But ... you're supposed to pander to my ego and tell me I'm special! Gah. On the up-side, it compares me to Snoopy, which can almost never be all bad.

(Thanks to Hoi Nam for the quiz btw)

Joe Normal 47 % Nerd, 34% Geek, 47% Dork

For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored less than half in all three, earning you the title of: Joe Normal. This is not to say that you don't have some Nerd, Geek or Dork inside of you--we all do, and you can see the percentages you have right above. This is just to say that none of those qualities stand out so much as to define you. Sure, you enjoy an episode of Star Trek now and again, and yeah, you kinda enjoyed a few classes back in the day. And, once in a while, you stumble while walking down the street even though there was nothing there to cause you to trip. But, for the most part, you look and act fairly typically, and aren't much of an outcast. I'd say there's a fair chance someone asked you to take this test. In any event, fairly normal. Congratulations! If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Professional Wrestling Love & Sexuality America/Politics Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 38% on nerdiness You scored higher than 47% on geekosity You scored higher than 82% on dork points

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

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Fly me to the moon, let me
play, among the stars. Let me see
what life is like on
Jupiter
or Mars
In other words
Hold my hand
In other words
Darlin', kiss me

Such is life. More to come, but only if I stay lucky etc.

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So: not today, then.

In other news, I have two free tickets to the premiere of The Da Vinci Code tomorrow. The reviews thus far have been uniformally bleak (20%; that is actually impressively bad). But it's free, so I'm not complaining. Well, actually, I am, amn't I? That's what I'm here for after all. Sigh.

Still, just getting away-from-it-all in airconditioned comfort on the house looks like a potentially fun set up, so let's see how it goes. And yes, that means I probably will go, despite all the many reasons I shouldn't.

Va bgure arjf: V jbhyq whzc RIREL fvatyr gvzr nalobql pnzr gb gur qbbe gbqnl, whfg gb frr jub vg jnf. Tbe oyvzrl.

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So here I am, in SPS, hungry, tired, dazed. And just a little bit scared. There are about a million different ways things could change between now and next week Tuesday, and not all of them are very pleasant. Most of them make no sense whatsoever, and yet we blindly accept them and move on. Such, they say, is life, and what can we, mere insignificant atoms in the fluid of time, dare say?

It's quite cool, being literally too tired to do anything, to even think about doing anything. That's something, although I'm not really sure how good or bad a thing that is.

I need a vacation. I need to get my bike fixed. Since I'm going to turn up at lab on time tomorrow (in shoes, shaved, nice T-shirt, etc.), it'll be a good chance to scoot off at five-ish - or even, God forbid, in the afternoon! - and get the darn thing done once and for all.

Of course, it is also perfectly possible that this time Tuesday next there will be no improvements on the bicycle front. This, too, is a face of life, and something we must accept as well.

p.s. I'm not kidding about being scared. Just a little.

p.p.s. I'm also not kidding about the shave.

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... my head my head my head my head my head my head ...

Caffeine overdose! :P

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Get back to work tomorrow. This is important. I have really been taking it easy this weekend.

Get moving again. Bicycle, bus, train, feet. Whatever it takes. I need to get moving because, standing still, I get really incredibly obnoxiously bored. Besides which, it'll give me time to think, dream, be, which would right now be very, very nice.

Listen to more music? Not really practical until I get more CDs = buy CDs = spend money = need money = need job. So a job is important, etc. and of course this I know, But it'll keep.

What else? God, I haven't been this sleepy in a while. Better sleep patterns. Better eat patterns. A better, more interesting, more intense, more lived life. You never know when you might abruptly need to context switch into a serious, semi-panicked state of mind, and it's always nice to have something to fall back on.

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That wasn't so hard :p. And I managed to take the plastic off without getting off my mattress, which I didn't even really think was possible.

The downside of this whole arrangement is that I am going to be incredibly un-inspired to unpack. I'm going to be living out of my suitcase (assuming I can even FIND my suitcase in this mess!) and just go on like this until the end of the month. I hope nothing broke during transit!

I'll have more to write about this, but I'm much too excited about being online! I'll probably get back to it later.

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I'm at C-419 Ridge View Residences, my home until the end of the month. It's kinda uncomfy (where does the matress have a plastic cover? Particularly one which looks like it has been meticulously stuck down several times. How odd! I will let it go for now, but I suspect later tonight it'll be off in a frustrated rage of sleep incapability.

So guess which song started playing on my laptop first? "Yeh Kahan Aa Gaye Hum". And they say computers have no sense of irony.

I am going to go off and do some heavy duty SLACKING OFF now. Please to be excusing me.

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Maybe staying up all night to watch Evangelion wasn't such a good idea.

I'm excited at all the new changes going on. Over the next two days, I'm going to be organising my move out of 78 Yong Siak and back into Singapore (119081) - that's Old KR/Ridge View Residences, somehow I don't know it's road number but I do know its PIN code. More fun: I'll only be checking in on Monday, so hopefully everything will be shunted ON MONDAY. Clothes are ready to go (except for the enormous pile which is to be taken over to the Salvation Army, which only opens at 9am on Monday). At present, the plan looks roughly like this:

1. Go home tomorrow on the first/second bus (6:00am), do my all-new-and-improved exercise routine (which is coming along well!), go to sleep.
2. Wake up ... sometime. (Nice and vague, that. It does not look like much work will get done this weekend). Work on "One Night Later" (see note below).
3. Pack up books into the Huge Plastic Containers (it's for the best; if necessary, I'll shift it to my last bag on Monday).
4. Stuff non-destructibles into the clothes bags. Destructibles are anything which won't splatter, spill or break-unleashing-ickiness while in transit.
5. Line up destructibles. Anything I need goes into plastic bags which I carry on Monday, so that splatter etc. will be immediately observed etc. Plus, this means I get to take especial care of them, which is always nice.
6. Clothes, maybe one of the HPCs go with me on Monday morning. It should be handleable. It would be nice if I could get someone to watch over the stuff below, but worst-case, I can put them beside the shop, I guess. Attempting both HPCs is probably not worth the pain.
7. Go back to house after checking in on Monday. Clean up a bit (which means that the mop comes with me on trip #2, I guess :p). Maybe walk down to the Salvation Army with the stuff, and grab food on the way there/back. Once I have the place half decent, and made sure that nothing went missing (the Unmissables - passport, laptop, etc. - come with me in my backpack on Monday. Unless I bring my laptop to the lab on Sunday.
8. After I hand over the keys, I bring the second HPC and stuff anything which remains into the Remains of the Last Suitcase. With a plentiful throwing away of newspapers, this should suffice. I hope.
9. If all else fails, I leave an HPC behind and ask my LL to put it in the corridor etc. like he did for my last guy. It'll be a pain, so I'll avoid it if I can.

Ha! Which, unfortunately, gives me all of tomorrow-awake-time to try and finish One Night Later, the play I've been working on - on and off - since atleast mid-2005, probably mid-2004 to boot. I sincerely hope that I manage to finish it - and soon, because there are two rather important deadlines I'm hoping to meet. Plus, there's that needling little hope that just having a script out might poke me into writing more. It really is a lot of fun, particularly now that everything's working out so well (in the story), although I'm not very sure where we're going to go next, and that continuous pressure of surprising the audience (now what?, they should say, over and over and f-ing over) is daunting. But I'm vaguely confident of finishing it up this week if I don't get too caught up on other things.

Ah, caught up in other things ... as of May 31st, I am officially unemployed, and to tell you the truth, I can't wait. I am probably going to deliberately avoid the job hunt a little bit more so that I can sit down, take (several) deep breaths, and think through things. But let's see. It's all random, and I get bored so quickly. Plus, with all the new things I want to buy (Evangelion, wireless router, server), real money on the table every month would be brilliant.

Actually, that's a very good summary of the way I feel right now: it's all kinda crazy and spinning just outside the "optimal" range; but atleast it's (to jump metaphors) a new kind of f- up. It's not the old f- up, which makes it kinda like an adventure, which makes it kinda like a holiday, which I really need now. Viva la new experiences!

Now, back to NGE ...

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AND IT IS NUMBER 19 OMFG I AM SO BUYING THIS.

(p.s. This -> NGE -> Neon Genesis Evangelion.)

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There's this bit I love in Silence of the Lamb. Hannibal Lector stands above the camera, looming very, very slightly. His eyes are closed, his mouth is half open, and his face has a beautific look of gentle joy. A song is playing, and as the music shifts and changes, his right hand gently wafts in the wind, following the beat, the flow, the notes. We've all been there - that feeling of incredible satisfaction which only something local, tangible, solid and beautiful provides us. His face is splattered with blood, there is a trail flowing down the left side of this face, curving past his chin, stuck gently upon his face. He has just killed two policemen, one after biting his face off. He is about to make his escape. He will never be incarcerated again.

There's a lot of little bits I love in Neon Genesis Evangelion. The look on somebody's face which exactly reflects how you, the viewer, is reacting to what's going on, but in a subtly different way. The sharp shift of semi-trained teenage pilots of giant robots (did anyone else here used to pronounce it "Giant Robo" as a kid, as if it was French?) perform a perfectly choreographed attack (and if you've seen NGE, you *know* I'm talking about Angel #7), destroyed the Angel, caused it's self explosion - then within seconds dissolved back into the kids they are. One of the problem with finding "bits" in NGE is that for me the brilliant bits aren't always the giant robots destroying things (although those are PRETTY FRIGGIN' COOL - thus far, I *love* the assault on Angel #5, and the first attack on Angel #7 was jazzy, if a little .. ah .. unsuccessful), but the little details and expressions - the looks on Shiji's face when contemplating his messy room-mates, Ayanami's perfect emotionless looks (she's growing on me!), and Asuka ain't *that* bad.

Interestingly enough, Gwynne's NGE DVDs crash the Macs more effectively than anything I've seen since Win '95. Not joking (I always had a surprisingly stable Win '95. Atleast, that's how I remember it ... !).

(Wonders how many more episodes I can manage until 5:30 or so ...)

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• The Beatles rule. Have copied all my old CDs onto my lab computer, so I can listen to them at work now. Their brilliance just rocks my mind.
• A friend of mine has just decided upon her Hebrew name recently. The first thought that hit me was Wow, how cool is that? Getting to pick your own name. Names are so important - at the top of your CV, inside your passport, on the lips of friends at your funeral, on the lips of your loved ones at parties, not to mention weddings - and they're probably the last thing your parent give (I'm not count the money books roof above your head etc.; they give you life, they give you blood, they give you their names, and finally, just when the excitement of entering the world is slowly being released, they give you one last thing - a name to call your own.

I should probably give up all pretense of organisation at this stage. I'm tired, dead, bored, and life is winding me out. It's the weekend, yay, etc. - but it looks like it's going to be a boring one, which is a depressing, depressing thought to have. I might stay up watching movies, and then take the cab back ... god, I shouldn't, but it's tempting. I might go watch a movie just to have something to do this weekend, or some other such equally pathetic thing. Life! etc.

Names. I like how ancient cults are supposed to have had a concept of a True Name - a name which belongs to you, which performs the functions that a real name is supposed to perform - to identify (it is I, Gaurav), to establish relationships (son of Girish, of the family Vaidya), to specify localities (born somewhere in the west of Maharashtra, where the names "Gaurav" and "Vaidya" might be found close together) and definition (from which you can tell I am probably Indian, and perhaps even human, unless there were animals which called their sons, and said, from this day forth you shall be Gaurav son of Girish of the family Vaidya, just like we do). But of course, any name does that - the True Name is true because it is more. We are all unique (although it must be remembered that we are not uniquely unique; in fact, we are boringly unique, each unique is his or her own mundane way), and the True Name is the identifier of that which is absolutely unique about us.

Uniqueness is nice. I once had a great fear that I was so very similar to somebody else I knew that it might be hard to tell us apart, and it worried me for days. The sense of relief I experienced when I took a step back and realised that however similar some superficialities might be, and however identical some of the deeper pillars, there were enough fundamental differences that the similarity might never be noticed, and I immediately felt much better.

Uniqueness defines us. In love, in life, in struggle, in despair, sometimes it's all we've got to fall back on, to show for the twenty-odd years that we've seen fit to inhabit this world for. When we fall in love, we wonder whether so-and-so will like us - us, singular, the one, the only, etc. When we struggle through life, we wonder what we - us, singular - could ever have done to deserve this (this we say when we are happy too, which makes us wonder yet again at the nuances of English, but never mind that for the moment).

When all we've got is us, we wonder what it is that we have, exactly.

Our True Name holds that secret.

Our True Name tells us why we act the way we do, why we love who we do, where we go, what we eat, who we are, what we like (The Beatles?), dislike (Ren and Stimpy) and what we'd rather wish never happened (v4).

In later posts: how I might be *finally* leaving lab soon, asking girls out, and other suchlike matters. This may take a while. I am in desperate need of R and R.

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How cute is that?

I have a lot more to say (no, nothing important, just blather), but I'll say it later today sometime.

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A friend of mine is about to start blogging, and I can't wait to see what she comes up with (she wants to remain anonymous online, so I'm not going to put her link up here or anything).

I just - well, okay, a coupla hours ago - I sat down at SPS and loaded up my browser, which somehow dropped me straight into my blog, which was contemplating greater expectations and their downside, which - when you consider that they is no worse than feeling a little silly at the end/beginning of the day, isn't really all that bad!

For those who don't know - I was getting frightened that something might be happening, but today - hell, a chat with Janani yesterday - provided enough evidence to the contrary that it wasn't all the big a deal. Today did provide enough real evidence, shall we say, so that the possibility of it happening is low enough to not worry about for a wide amount of time.

Although, ironically, this post 'o mine is precisely, exactly on the dollar - maybe, just maybe, not as bad as I thought, but pretty friggin' bad. It's just not likely to affect me that much in the very short term; it is still perfectly capable of all the horrible, mind-bending, time-twisting pain, anguish, and “bloooooood&8221; as the post posits. The last post should not be read as cancelling out that previous post.

The point of the last post really is, “it could have been so much worse but thank God it's only a catastrophe”. Or something like that.

To wrap back to the beginning: a post talking about impending doom, the packing of luggage, and the job at hand. In a single, simple post, I have summed up my entire life. I will go back home now, and, if I'm lucky, think about packing. If not, I'll think about ID. I will not think about the job at hand, you might ask me what happens if I think about the job at hand, and I will tell you, I will not be thinking about the job at hand. Then I will wake up tomorrow, think about either ID or the job at hand, then go to lab, where the job at hand pretty obviously dominates. In short, my life is one blog post.

Which got me thinking about the purpose of blogs as archives. I am insanely proud that my blog is the second oldest running (but oldest one still in use) amongst my friends. I can jump back as far as 2004 (well, 2003 if I jump off this blog and onto my last one), and it's humbling to realise that going back to August 2003 is going to take me back into, and not before, one of the coolest times in my life. It's incredible, two years ago, I was up trying to study for an exam, contemplating death and relationships. How little time changes us, unless we want to change, I guess. (Haha, I love this post, I sounded so cute!)

I'm going to leave now. Stirring up the past always gets too much dust into my river, and I can do without that. There's only really one thing I'm scared of right now, and that's so incredibly, impossibly, surreally unlikely that it just might happen. Of course it won't, and I solemnly swear not to think of it again tonight, but improbability is like that sometimes.

To summarise: blogs rule, because they store life stories; I'm screwed, but maybe not too badly; work is tiring but doable; tomorrow is another day.

Bonus link: I'm part of a WWF photo mosaic. Ain't that nice?

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... not. Sometimes life is like this, and sometimes it isn't, and I'm not so sure it really matters whether or not it is; life is as life goes, and that never changes.

To flip over to something completely different, it's my second day of working in lab today. Yes, I came to school on time both days, and I have been working pretty consistently. Most of yesterday was spent in detailing and thinking about the bugs I've got lined up, and most of today was spent in fixing one of the bugs - which, unfortunately, means the mini-management part of the job is over (atleast for now), and it's code-monkey-ing for the next few days. Sigh.

Speaking of the next few days, my cup runneth over with chores. Apart from the usual (buy soap, buy apples, fix bike - which is being Pushed Forward Forever again), there's the whole moving-house list to handle, which is starting to scare me just a little bit. So, to calm myself down a little:

• The plan
  • Tuesday: Pack books.
  • Wednesday: Move books to SPS. Pack things, clothes.
  • Thursday: Move things to lab/SPS. Give away old clothes etc.
  • Friday: Go hotel shopping if poss.
  • Saturday: Go hotel shopping, check in (or give 24 hours advance notice, etc.). Move laptop to lab.
  • Sunday: Move into hotel, taking clothes and backpack.
  • Monday: Final clean up, hand over keys .

Roughly. Doesn't sound too bad. I need a vacation, not just any vacation: this one.

Oh well. Back to code.

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(Alternate title: here we go again?)

(Alternate title: because this life is so sad)

I am in such big trouble and I cannot stop!

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p.s. Ouch. Can really relate with that guy this year. Well, my case ain't as bad as his, but I know how it feels, I think.

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It's over!

Well, okay, not yet, but I figure I might as well write about this now, as - with any luck - I'm going to be too busy going nuts tomorrow to really care about sitting down at a computer and doing the whole talking-it-all-through, although there are a couple of important blog posts I need to make:

• Why I screwed up college so badly
• Where I'm going from here
• Plans: for May, for June, for July-December, for January-July.

There's a coupla other things I'd like to blog about, but those are probably on top of the list right now. Some of 'em will be settled in the next few days, some will take longer, this is how it is, there can be no other way, that would be silly.

God - I cannot wait until it's over! Eventually (I'm guessing Sunday) the whole oh-my-god-I'm-no-longer-in-school-what-is-to-become-of-me sensation is going to hit, but I'm going to see how much I can enjoy things before they run away with me ...

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I give up. I can't think any more. Not. A single. Thought. More.

As is, it's going to take me copious amounts of caffeine to make my second exam for today, but I'm going into the first one cold turkey so I don't OD and get myself all shaking by the second time around.

I can't WAIT for three 'o' clock. I kid you not. No no no.

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• This is most likely my "oh-noes-I-have-an-exam-in-an-hour-and-I-don't-know-what-to-do" post, except that it's four hours before the paper itself, which might well be a new record. Wowie.
• I might actually switch to LiveJournal after all! They are ridiculously easier to post to than Blogger. Blogger's still a dozen times more professional-looking, so everything but the personal blog stays put, permanently. But maybe, just maybe ...
• I have an exam in four hours, and I'm dead tired. There's a funny story behind that, but it'll have to wait for another day. Oh God, am I tired.

Err, anything else? I'm sure I started this entry to say something ... did you know that John Kenneth Gilbraith died recently? I think that this drawing is brilliant but I don't know why? That I'm trying to write a short story collection about death, and which I do not care to expand on right this minute? That I might - gasp, shock and horror! - be getting slight urges and pushes in the direction I want the rest of my life (or atleast the localised version thereof) to go, which - more from an excess of possible hope - I'd rather not think about right this minute.

Oh, for a few hours sleep!

Update (5:40am): I suddenly remembered what I had started this blog post to write down: isn't it awesome that I can significantly reduce my physical wear-and-tear after an all nighter -- just by drinking adequate lemonaid? Yes, the power of ascorbic acid rejuvenates me, or at any rates pushes me through into the new day. Tomorrow (err, today), it shall be tested all the way to 3:00pm on this stuff. No joke.

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Just to let everybody know, I am currently fascinated by death in general, on the subject of which the most beautiful thing I've read recently is the (anti)Morris dance. It's such a beautiful way of saying the blindingly obvious: all things must end, after happiness comes sadness, and after daylight, darkness, and to waste the darkness in despair is to misunderstand the light.

Oh, and I've got a couple of new favourite writers, and I'll be blogging about them in a minute (as I add them to 43people).

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